Blog

Journey

I was sleeping yet awake.

Midnight it was, I was sleeping yet awake.

I woke up on my bed and saw myself still sleeping.

I was pushed into the world I’ve never been before.

I experienced a power that impelled me into the new world.

I was sleeping yet awake.

It was a whole new world where I was surrounded by hundreds of people and everyone was looking like me.

Some people were laughing, some people were bawling and some were screaming.

I was frightened yet moving ahead.

As I walked for a while breathing has become difficult yet I continued walking towards the darkness.

I kept walking, I almost reached the darkness along with the fellow companions.

I was scared yet moving.

I was one step away from the darkness.

I took a long breath and gathered all the energy to enter the darkness.

As I lifted my leg to enter into it, I felt a hand on me.

It was pulling me from behind yet I tried harder.

All of a sudden it tugged me back and thrown me on my bed.

I opened my eyes and I realized it was a dream!

 

-Soul Rider

Advertisements

Dad, did you leave me?

Dad, did you leave me?

Did you really leave me? Everyone in the family says that you left us and went to heaven. But, you used to say “Heaven is nowhere else, it’s in our house when we four are together”, do you remember that dad? Did you really leave us and went to the heaven which is actually not a heaven for us?

Dad, do you remember whenever I get scared in the middle of the night, you used to hold my hand tightly and make me sleep.

Dad, do you remember I had the breathing problem and I need someone beside me always?

Dad, you were not only special but also different.

Dad, did you leave me?

Dad, do you know that how many nights it has been that I slept peacefully? Every night I wake up suddenly because of the fucking nightmares and get upset by realizing you’re not beside me anymore.

Dad, do you know that I’m a successful writer now? Despite the appreciation I get from people, I miss your comments dad!

You aren’t here to judge my work anymore, you’re not here to help me write better.

Do you remember dad? We both used to have whiskey whenever mom isn’t home?

You’re not here to share my peg with!

Do you remember dad? You taught me bike riding?

I miss you every time I alone go on a bike ride!

There is no strength left in me now, dad! I’m half dead now! I have no hand to tap my back and says “You’re a champ! Don’t worry”.

Dad, did you really leave me?

You swore, that you never leave me alone?

Dad, do you remember that I’m scared of darkness?

Dad, do you know that I’m not scared of darkness anymore?

Dad, do you miss me too? Can’t you come for one last time dad?

Do you know that I’ve become the perfect boy that you always wanted to see me as?

Dad, do you know that I’m not wearing wrinkled shirts and torn jeans? I miss your scoldings whenever you see me wearing such dress.

Dad, do you remember that I used to steal money from your wallet?

I’m missing that now dad!

Dad, do you remember the moment you caught me smoking?

Dad, do you remember that we used to discuss filmmaking? I’m missing it now dad!

Dad, you taught me how to stay strong, you taught me how to bounce back after a failure, you taught me not to run after money, you taught me struggles are steps of success but you never taught me how to be without you dad!

Why didn’t you teach me how to be without your presence dad?

Dad, do you miss me too?

Our heaven isn’t heaven anymore without your laughs dad!

Can you please come back for one last time? I just want to hug you tightly and sleep.

Can you please come for one last time? I want to sleep in your lap!

Dad, did you really leave me?

I miss you, dad!

– Your Son!

She and my Fear.

Amidst of the feelings I’m stuck with, her name gives me a phenomenal feeling. Though it gives me endless happiness, I falter sometimes in fear of losing her. Whenever I get a thought, that we’re gonna drift apart someday, a cascade of tears make me wet. I’m wanting to see us smiling together but the travail of separation scares me. Despite having the fear, I pushed myself to express the scribbled feelings lying in my heart. While I was struggling to decide whether should I express or not, a little rain drop which fell on me elucidated the confusion. Then, I went to her and expressed without dither. May be she knew that my tiny heart can’t bare the pain, she hugged me and whispered “Love you too”. That moment, I felt angels dancing around me, that moment I was drenched in the tears of joy. 
Soul Rider 

The pain

While I was laughing like an innocent child, a tear of joy rolled on to my cheeks and that tear reminded me the past that I tasted long ago. I can smell that something is missing in me. Strength it is! I’m not afraid of the situations that fears me but lack of my strength. A perfect blend of sorrows and joy is what life means! But, the one who I used to share all my joy and sorrows isn’t visible anymore. I know, I’ve got a soul and that’s enough for me to regain the strength. But, but dear, even he needs a soul to lean on! The travail of getting ignored is tickling my heart. So many invisible tears have been fallen down. So many beautiful moments have been wasted. Why so much pain? Baby, that’s what my problem is! I ain’t crave for such bloody pain, I craved for the joy of sharing life with someone! But, ended up injecting the unbearable pain into my veins. 
Soul Rider

The Gentleman.

I’m a gentleMAN!

Finally, the most awaited moment has arrived, “my wedding night”. Though I had sex with different women so many times, I pretend I’m a virgin in front of my wife, after all, I’m a gentleMAN. I had nothing in my mind except SEX that night. Since our marriage was an arranged one, we haven’t got enough time to interact with each other. How strange it is! We met a week ago and in such a short span we got married. We know nothing about each other, I have no clue which color does she likes, what food she loves to eat and I don’t even know whether she likes me or not, and yeah! that doesn’t matter for me cause I’m a gentleMan. While I immersed myself in planning what to do tonight, she has entered the room with a glass of milk in her hand. As she was timid to come closer to me, I grabbed her near me hand and said “I love you”, deep inside I knew I didn’t mean it, and that doesn’t bother me. “I want to know about you,” she said in a hushed tone. “About me? I’m a software professional and I earn 4 lacs per month, what else do you want to know?” I replied and touched her hand. “I need some time to get settled, can we postpone this till I feel comfortable?” she asked. “You can share anything with me and treat me as your friend” I replied and placed my hand on her thigh. She refused but I proceeded to do I’ve been waiting for. After all, she is just a woman and couldn’t stop me from taking off her clothes. 

Finally, I’m done with the play. She’s crying, I was laughing. She’s left with some scars on her body and I could notice that she’s hurt but that can’t distract me because I’m a gentleMAN. Yeah! I touched her skin, kissed her, fucked her and made her cry. But, but, I couldn’t touch her soul, I couldn’t see HER, I couldn’t make her smile. All I know was, wife is just a maid who works for husband and makes him happy till her death. Being a gentleMAN, why would I know her, why would I ask if she’s ready for the sex? It’s her duty to make me happy.

I’m a gentleMAN who sees only breasts and vagina in a woman. I’m such a bastard gentleMAN who has nothing to do with her heart. I’m such a moron who notices tears in wife’s eyes and ignores. I’m such a bastard who wants to sleep with every random woman I come across and I want my wife to be loyal to me.

I’m a gentleMAN.

-Soul Rider

Still I Rise

Dear Time,

From hiding behind the door to hiding something in the heart, I grew up. 
Between crying out loud for a toy and crying inside and faking a smile, I grew up.
Between, sleeping beside grandmother and sleeping miles away from family, I’ve survived.
Down, yet I rise.

You changed everything,
You made me realize that everything and everyone would leave me someday.
And, that realization racked my brain.

You taught me failure isn’t a failure,
You taught me every answer is a question.
I may lose people, I may lose relations, I may lose everything but not HOPE.
Still I rise.

You may make me quit,
You may make this world abandon me,
Like a sun, like a moon, I’m alone yet i keep walking.
Like a wave that tries touching the shore, I keep trying.

Leaving behind the fear of failures,
I rise again
Finding a new home that welcomes me,
I rise again.
Tearing the mask I’ve been wearing,
I rise.

I rise because I still have hope.
I rise because I can bare more pain.
I rise. I still rise.

– Soul Rider

అంతా అబద్దమే, అంతా మోసమే. చిన్నప్పటి నుండి మనుషులంతా ఒక్కటే, కుల, మత బేధాలు లేని దేశం మనది అని వొత్తి మరీ చెప్పారు. ప్రతీ మహిళ మన తోబుట్టువు అన్నారు. ఒక్కడికి కష్టమొస్తే పది మంది పరిగెత్తుకొస్తారు అన్నారు. గురువును దేవుడిలా చూసే సంస్కృతి అన్నారు. పెద్దలకు గౌరవమిచ్చే దేశమన్నారు. అన్నీ వట్టి మాటలే. అదే నిజమని నమ్మి పెరిగిన నాకు ఇప్పుడిప్పుడే అర్ధమవుతోంది, అక్కడ చెప్పింది వేరు, ఇక్కడ జరుగుతోంది వేరు. ఎవడికీ నీతుల్లేవు ఇక్కడ,  అందరూ చెడిపోయారు. జీవితంలో భార్యకి తప్ప ఇంకో ఆడదానికి చోటు లేదు అని నీతులు వల్లించే మాస్టార్లు ఎన్ని సార్లు వేరే అమ్మాయిల్ని తలుచుకున్నారో. శరీరానికి ఉన్న పవిత్రత మనుసుకు లేదంటారేమో. తండ్రి అప్పు చేసి, నానా కష్టాలు పడి చదివించిన కొడుక్కి మెడిసిన్ లో సీటు రాదు ఎందుకంటే “కులం”. నాకు తెలుసు ఆ సీటు పొందే అర్హత నాకంటే ఆ కుర్రాడికే ఎక్కువుందని, కానీ నా నోరు పెగలదు. డాక్టర్ అవ్వాలసినోడు లెక్చరర్ అయ్యాడు, కేవలం నా వల్ల, అతని పుట్టుక వల్ల, అయినా నాకేం పట్టదు. ఒక ముసలాయన పింఛను కోసం నా దగ్గరికొస్తే వెయ్యి రూపాయలు లంచమడిగిన అటెండరుని నేను. ముసలోడు ఎక్కడ పొతే నాకే, నా పిల్లల కాన్వెంటు ఫీజుకి కావలసిన వెయ్యి రూపాయలు నాకు దొరికాయి. అయినా నాకు సిగ్గు లేదు. బస్టాండులో ఒకమ్మాయిని కిందా మీదా అసహ్యంగా చూసిన పోరంబోకుని నేను, అయినా నా చెల్లిని ఎవడో ఒకడు చూడట్లా, నాకెందుకు కంపరం, అలవాటే ఇదంతా నాకు. హనుమాన్ జయంతి నాడు మజీదు గుండా వెళ్తూ ముసల్మానుల్ని రెచ్చగొట్టే నినాదాలు చేసే నాకెందుకండి అసహ్యం, చూసే మీకుండాలి గాని. ఓటుకు రెండు వేలు తీసుకొని వేరే పార్టీకి ఓటేసిన నాకంటే విశ్వాసపాత్రుడు ఇంకెవడున్నాడండి. ఓ పెద్ద చెప్పొచ్చారు అందరూ, ఇక్కడ ఎవడికి ఎవడి మీద ప్రేమ లేదు, ఒక వేళ కొద్దో గొప్పో ఉన్నా ఇంకొద్ది రోజుల్లో చచ్చిపోద్ది, చంపేస్తాం. 

అయినా, మనుషుల్ని చంపితే కేసులు గానీ మనసుల్ని చంపితే ఎవడేం పీకుతాడట. 

#ఈశ్వర

My she! 

She! 
She’s awesome! 

Her smile, her stupidity, her naughtiness, what not! Everything she does makes me fall for her again n again. I don’t call it love, it’s something that words are not enough to describe. She’s that one who changes mood within seconds with just a smile. Everyone says heaven is somewhere else. Nope! Heaven is here, it’s in me when she’s around. Whenever I think of her, my heart feels like dancing in rain. My lazy soul has become so active after her arrival into my life. Seeing her smile makes me forget all my sorrows. I’m so selfish, to make my self happy, I’ll make her smile. 

Keep smiling dear! 
#Vyshnoday

Who’ll be with you? 

“We are with you don’t worry” parents said when he was 10.

” We never let you feel alone” friends said when he was 20.

“I’ll be with you till the end”girlfriend said when he was 25.

“I’ll not leave your hand” daughter said when he was 70.

All these words striked the ninety years old man’s mind he heard “Nothing happens, I’m here to save you sir” by a doctor. 

He couldn’t speak at the time, but every moment he lived came infront of him now. As a son, as a lover, as a husband, as a friend, as a father, he was fooled by the emotions always. He blindly believed everytime he heard “I’m with you”. If every promise was real, now he would’ve been surrounded by many people. He left some, some left him. Now, he’s e’motionless. He’s no more excited to hear anyone saying “I’m there for you”. 

Who’ll be with you? 

#Vyshnoday

I’m not a writer. 

I’m not a writer to write. 

I’m a patient, fighting life with pen. 

I’m a doctor, healing my own wounds. 

I’m an artist, entertaining my own soul. 

I’m not a writer, in fact I never wrote anything. 

Writers need lot of courage to bare pain, I don’t have that. I’m afraid of this pain. I’m trying to tell you that I’m hurt, but, you called me a writer. 

I’m not a writer to write. 

#Vyshnoday